Top British Telly Totty who aren’t stick-thin Barbie doll morons

I seem to want to start every entry on here with a nod towards the old blog. I was so gutted when some of the stuff I’d worked on over there was vandalised and deleted for no fucking reason – but hey..

One of the lists which brought in so many people, who stumbled across the blog thanks to the cunning use of keyword tags like ‘babe’ and ‘sexy’, was a list of TV presenters and uniquely British slebbs. So here goes with an updated rundown of ladies who brighten my day.

I know it’s cheesy to deliberately game the tags system just to drag people into the real agenda of your site – but since when did cheese get such a bad rap? I always thought the charm of the old blog was its mix of bawdy slapstick (often misconstrued by the woman who I shall not speak her name as rudeness) and zen armchair metaphysics, or something.

So without any sense of guilt and with a hope that some of y’all might follow-up on this with a list of your own, here comes the water…

fb1.jpgFern Britton.
And no I don’t really mean Fern Cotton (although she is sweet in a kind of “wish I had best mate like that” sort of way). No, Mrs Britton is the one with the charm and humour for me – and, let’s face it, she does have huge tracts of land. More than the obvious thing that all typical fucking men like, however, is her killer weapon. Nice teeth. I’m just a sucker for a nice bright smile.

She doesn’t mind making a dick of herself for a laugh, either. I flipped on ‘This Morning’ the other day and, I’m almost embarrassed to tell you this, but my trouser browser became quite engorged. It was as if the powers that be at ITV had scanned my brain for what I really wanted to watch on telly that very morning and decided to magically make it so, just for me!

Fern, in full low neckline dress, was putting a selection of pink, wobbling lady toys on her nose to test for vibratory stamina. Giggling she was! Vibe to white smile action! Right there, on daytime telly! I nearly had an embolism.

carol_maua_300_200x300.jpgCarol Malia.
When you come back home, after being away for a while, you’re not really settled back in until one or two little things happen to remind you you’re back where you belong. Getting back from the US, for me, some of these little things actually annoyed me a bit. For example, why do British toilets have so little water in the bottom of them? Why do light switches flip up for off? Why are UK power point electrical plugs so massive?

The cuddly warm “ah, yes – now I’m home again” reminder of all things North East for me, however, was BBC One at 6:30 for the Look North news presented by Carol. The slight Geordie accent. Nice teeth, obviously. Mahh yes, the Malia rocks.

cn.jpgColeen Nolan.
These days she’s a presenter on the UK version of ‘The View’, an all girls together day-time talk-in. Back in the 70’s, however, Coleen was in a pop group (still very big in Japan) called The Nolan Sisters.

Every 30 something guy like me has a special place in their heart for the Nolans. The Spice Girls of their time, everyone had a favourite their Dad didn’t mind admiring as well. Extra points for teeth and womanly curves.

I should mention at this point, by the way, that I am fully aware of the fact that there is more to a woman than her having a good dentist. A healthy relationship with the odd packet of Rich Tea Chocolate Digestives and a disinterest in looking like a stick does not a personality make. That’s where Ms Nolan kicks in. She’s bright and funny and she’d get on with me Mam, probably.

lauren460.jpgLauren Laverne.
Apart from the fact she’s from Sunderland, our Lauren ticks all the right boxes. Sharply witty and intelligent, she’s girlie and womanly at the same time. Classically pretty from one angle and Milan cat-walk interesting from another.

She started out as Guitarist with the band Kenickie, which is where she first raised my attention. Now she’s a presenter on The Culture Show, on BBC2. You know, that program you really should watch, but just can’t bring your stomach to endure more than 2 seconds of Mark Kermode’s know-nothing, London centric opinions?

ruth_jones2.jpgRuth Jones.
Fact. ‘Nighty Night’ is the funniest, most original British comedy of all time. Don’t get me wrong, ‘The Office’ is a masterpiece, but Julia Davis’s stalker from hell character is SO many women I’ve known down to a tee it’s almost surreal. Not that I’ve known loads of women.. ..but.. get my meaning, right?

Ruth plays the goth weirdo side-kick to the over-sexed psychopathic Jill. Playing stupid without being annoying is the hardest job in comedy acting and her one liners have that belly laugh precision timing, only super well observed character actors are able to deliver.

Her role in ‘Nighty Night’, for all her ability to crack you up laughing, however, was NOT the image of her I would want to say swayed me to her majesty. Steve Coogan’s ‘Saxondale‘, however, is another story. Teeth again, obviously, but the eyes have it. Fwooor!

lt.jpgLisa Tarbuck.
Back in the day, Channel 4’s ‘The Big Breakfast’ was essential viewing in our house. Not because it gave the world ginger boy and Kelly Brook (although she is on my ‘dumb as a post but who cares’ list). Nor, ladies and gentlemen, was the early morning show to rival all early morning shows a winner because it placed the late, great Paula Yates on the bed with a myriad of stars, some of whom she often befriended behind the production company boss’s back, her husband at the time, Sir Bob Geldof.

No, the real magic of TBB was Lisa and her co-host Johnny Vaughan. She has a giggly vulnerability to her that makes me want to, quite frankly, pick her up, fling her on the nearest flat surface and plook the bejesus out of her all the live long day. Wait, did I type that or think it?


4 comments on “Top British Telly Totty who aren’t stick-thin Barbie doll morons

  1. Glad to see that women who don’t look like wire coat hangers still have their admirers. Does that mean I can get down to the other half of the pint of Häagen Das that’s still in the freezer?

  2. Uh, by the way, mr. computer smarty, you didn’t save any of the old blog on disc, cyberstorage, screenshots, anything?

  3. I must say I agree with all of these.
    I am a little annoyed though. I watch This Morning most days, and yet I still managed to miss out a feature on vibrating lady toys? Outrage.

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