People who think Britain has become nothing but the fifty-first State of the North American union, have clearly missed some very important reasons as to why this is not the case – just yet at least. I was amazed at how many times my American friends said “You guys don’t have that?!” when day-to-day things I noticed as being unique came up in conversation. Here are just a few…
While I’m not ordinarily a fast-food eater, if the recently departed Carl N. Karcher had decided to expand his empire across the Atlantic, I would have been the first in line at the first store to open. People who haven’t tasted a real-deal American burger have no idea what they are missing. Forget Burger King or Maccy D’s, the double bacon cheese burger from Carl’s Jr. is a delicacy, right up there with the finest “posh” food you will find.
I’m equally sure Britons would rejoice at the bringing of Wendy’s, Jack in the Box, Straw Hat Pizza or In ‘n’ Out Burger to these shores too, but Carl’s Jr. is by far the leader of the pack.
I couldn’t find a picture of the brand they sell in Safeway – but the more more more more factor is guarantee alone to bolster profits in any supermarket chain store who might decide to start stocking these babies in the UK.
The diamonds of salt crystals which goop themselves almost magically to the side of each doughy knot is just enough to give the kids a treat, while guaranteeing a massive bag will last but an hour, as you keep on shovelling them in. De-freaking-licious.
Imagine a world without the Twinkie, the Ding Dong, the Ho-Ho. This, my American reader, is the United Kingdom of the 21st century. We need your help. Millions of Britons may never know the joy of a fake flavoured cake. The gooey cream centre and the waxy syrup topping of the Zinger are completely unattainable in the lands across the sea. Yes, England may once have enjoyed the might of the Glee bar. Yes, British style doughnuts outstrip even the glory of Donettes, but nothing can compare to the sugary treat which is the whole product range of Hostess / IBC. Have they no mercy?!
International House of Pancakes.
I can only presume the ‘international’ part of this company’s name comes from the fact that they are only available in America, in the same way the world series of baseball only has American teams in it. Their diners are everything a kid of my age expects of an American diner as soon as you walk in the door. Remember that scene in Superman II where he loses his powers to be with Louis Lane and he gets his end knocked in by that guy with the checkered jacket? IHOP.
British pancakes are really very good, don’t get me wrong. But they share little in common with their thicker American cousins. Their selection of syrups and toppings are reason enough to leap into the Atlantic and swim as fast as you can towards the new world, fixated upon that moment of arrival on dry land, followed by a quick sprint to the nearest IHOP to order everything with bacon and sausage.
Future generations will look back in amazement that the pleasures of a deep fried hot dog, wrapped in bread and sweet batter, smothered in mustard, remains unknown to the peoples of the United Kingdom in the so-called modern world.
How can I count the ways in which I love thee, oh dog of corn? Your cardiac arrest inducing calorific content, but a distant memory now.
I end this list, then, with an appeal to the “big four” supermarket stores of the UK. Morrisons, Tesco, Safeway and ASDA – the latter of which are both owned by American companies. Please, for the love of all that is human decency. I beseech thee. Consider you might be mistaken in your abandonment of the British waistline and begin stocking some if not ALL of these bastions of American food.